Biblical Principles For Resolving Conflict At Work [Episode 462]

At times we say or do things that offend other people. How can we walk in love to effectively resolve conflicts with colleagues in our workplaces? One important step towards reconciliation is to talk to the person who you offended or who offended you rather than to talk about them to others. God is the source of our strength and direction so pray to God before you do anything else. In this episode, Dr. Karen shares 7 key principles to overcome conflicts in the workplace. All of these principles require courage, respect, and humility. God’s storehouse is full of everything we need when we choose to trust Him.

Contact Dr. Karen to address workplace conflict: Dr.Karen@transleadership.com

The post Biblical Principles for Resolving Conflict at Work (Episode # 462) first appeared on TRANSLEADERSHIP, INC®.

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Biblical Principles For Resolving Conflict At Work [Episode 462]

How To Walk Through Conflict With Someone In Your Workplace

This is Dr. Karen Y. Wilson-Starks, your host for The Voice of Leadership and for Dr. Karen Speaks Leadership, and we’re going to talk about the biblical process for walking through conflict with someone in your workplace. Wherever you have people, there will be conflicts that emerge because none of us are perfect, and sometimes we do things that offend other people, not on purpose.

However, the offense occurs anyway. The principles I’m going to cover are really for people generally who share the same worldview. If you are a Christian person and you have a conflict with another Christian person, you should have a meeting of the minds on some of these issues. Most of us, however, are in settings where we may not necessarily be in conflict with someone who values a Christian perspective.

I believe that these principles are still relevant, and you can make an effort to follow the principles anyway. If the other person accepts and is willing to go along with you in applying the principles, great and wonderful. You’ll probably have a better outcome. If not, then you’ve done all that you can do from your end, and that’s what we’re talking about.

Principle 1: Pray To God

The very first principle, as you know, with anything, is to, first of all, pray to God. You might say, “Why is that important?” There’s a lot going on in conflict situations, and only God has all knowledge. He’s omniscient, He knows everything. God has all power, omnipotent, and God is also omnipresent, which means He’s with us all the time and in every circumstance. God can see what we can’t see, and we want to access divine wisdom, divine intelligence, and the ability to see through God’s eyes what is going on and also what we should do about it.

This really makes me think about Proverbs 3:5-6. It really talks about how we are called to trust in the Lord with all of our heart and to lean not unto our own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. When we pray first, we’re acknowledging God. We’re asking God to direct our paths because we don’t necessarily know the way to go.

When we pray first, we're acknowledging God. We're asking God to direct our paths because we don't necessarily know the way to go. Click To Tweet

Also, I’m reminded of Jeremiah 10:23 that talks about how that it’s not in man that walketh to direct his own path. We must ask for guidance and direction, and it shows that we really trust God and we are depending on Him for our next steps and how to walk through a difficult situation. That’s number one.

Principle 2: Look In The Mirror

Number two is look in the mirror. What I mean by look in the mirror is whenever there’s a conflict, there’s responsibility, in most cases, on both sides of the fence. It’s very easy for us to look across the fence and identify clearly the fault of the other person. However, before you even consider reaching out to the other person, look in the mirror.

Ask God to examine you through His divine mirror so that whatever your contribution is to the conflict, you are taking responsibility for. There is a scripture that talks about this. It talks about the whole notion of the plank, sometimes, that’s in our eye that really prevents us from taking a look at the speck that’s in our neighbor’s eye.

This is in Matthew 7:3-5, and it says, in essence, “Why are you looking at the speck in your brother’s eye, and you haven’t even considered the plank that’s in your own eye?” He says, basically, what you want to do is, first of all, remove the plank out of your eye. Keep in mind, if you have a big board, a big beam, a plank in your own eye, it really limits what you can see in the other person. If you take the time to remove that plank, it then says, “Now you will be able to see how to remove the speck in your brother’s eye.”

There’s an implication that sometimes what’s in our own eye is even bigger than what’s in our neighbor’s eye. We must remove that before we can even see the little speck in our neighbor’s eye to remove it. Looking in the mirror is really important, and it actually prepares us to be able to see with greater clarity and to see better when we remove any impediments in our own situation.

Ask God for revelation about your own role in the communication, the two-way process. Sometimes it’s not because you’ve done anything that’s truly wrong. However, when you consider the optics of the situation, there may have been a better way to say what you wanted to say, a better way to operate and to act in that circumstance, given the other person that you are relating to.

Principle 3: Talk To The Person Privately

God will reveal to you those other options, what else you could have done that you weren’t thinking about. That’s why number two is important is look in the mirror. Number three is really to talk to the person with whom you have an issue and to talk to them privately. A lot of times, we don’t want to go to people privately, and we want to talk in public. We want to dress them down in front of other people. However, privately is very important.

When you speak to people privately, they’re more inclined to hear you, to listen to what you have to say, and there’s less defensiveness. If you say a lot of things that are difficult in a public setting, the shields go up, and people have a sense that they must protect themselves from the incoming artillery. They’re not really prepared to hear you. They’re not prepared to listen. In fact, they may not be listening. It’s really hard to have a heart-to-heart conversation in a public setting.

When you speak to people privately, they’re more inclined to hear you, listen to what you have to say, and exhibit less defensiveness. Click To Tweet

This is really a major biblical principle that comes out of Matthew 18. I’d like to just share a little bit about what this says. This is Matthew 18:15-17. Those scriptures say, “Moreover, if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you’ve gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you 1 or 2 more, that by the mouth of 2 or 3 witnesses, every word may be established. If he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.”

Basically, we want to give people an opportunity to be heard and to hear us in a safer setting. The public is not safe for most people. Take the time to go and share with them one-on-one. As it says, if that doesn’t work, take 1 or 2 more. If that doesn’t work, that’s when you go to a larger body or a larger group, like the church congregation. If they don’t hear you, we’re talking brother to brother now, then that person is not following the principles of Christ. In many ways, you’re waiting for them to return, if you will, to God.

They’re like the heathens, they’re like the tax collectors at that point. I know you’ll be practicing this and offering that olive branch with people who do not share a biblical perspective. They may choose not to speak with you one-on-one. They may do something completely different. You, however, can ask for and attempt to pursue this biblical approach, knowing that for most people, that works out better. That’s a better way to go.

I just want to remind you that a lot of conflict is really rooted in misunderstanding. One of the reasons to have this dialogue and conversation with the person whom you may have offended, and you may not fully understand how you have offended them, is that you want to be willing to engage in the conversation, to listen, to really understand from their perspective what’s happened and where they’re coming from.

Here’s what we have to remember. We all have filters that we bring to every situation. Those filters come from our age, come from our gender, our ethnic background, and our life experiences. Those filters affect how we communicate and also how we hear and how we interpret what’s being said. Having filters is not a problem, necessarily. You just have to know that you have them. Because you have the filters, it may be that what you say is heard differently by the receiver because of their filters.

Sometimes it’s the sharing together that helps to get past the differences in the filters and the life experiences. To say, “I never thought about it that way. I didn’t realize that this is how that might land with you or how you might hear this.” That sets the stage for a deeper and greater understanding. You really want to listen to understand. The Bible talks about being slow to speak and spending more time hearing and understanding. You don’t have to agree with what the person is saying. You want to understand it, however, so you know what your next steps may be in the process.

Principle 4: Talk To The Person Rather Than About The Person

Number four is to talk to the person rather than about the person. Often, when something happens, we don’t want to go to the person who’s offended us or the one with whom we have a conflict. Instead, we want to call up our neighbor, talk to them about it. We want to blast them, in today’s world, on social media or in some other public forum. In reality, the last thing you want to do is talk about them rather than talk with them. Have courage.

Show respect by talking to the person rather than about them. If you talk about them, here’s what’s going to happen, you’re going to get further entrenched in your own viewpoint about what’s going on. It’s going to be harder to shift to an alternative perspective and viewpoint as you’re listening to understand, once you do engage that person, which hopefully you ultimately will do. The other thing is that by talking to others, you may unnecessarily damage the reputation of the person with whom you have the conflict.

Later, hopefully, when you work it out, you don’t necessarily circle back to the cast of thousands that you’ve maligned this person to, to correct those perceptions. Those individuals go forward, continuing to think that there’s an issue and there’s a problem. I would say, take the time, first of all, to work out the issue and don’t talk to others.

Talk to the one who you need to talk to about the conflict. That’s really an important aspect. Continuing on with number four, James, the third and fourth chapters talk a lot about this whole issue of what we say about people. I think I’m not going to read this whole aspect, but I want to share a couple of points from James, the third and fourth chapters.

First of all, it says that if anyone doesn’t stumble in what he says, sometimes that’s a perfect man. He’s able to control his whole body if he can control his tongue. The tongue, being small, can actually cause a big bonfire, if you will, and set things aflame. You want to be careful with the tongue because of all the damage that it can do. It sets a great forest fire.

That’s what the tongue does when we just have it unbridled, saying whatever we want to say. It says the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity, and it can defile the whole body and set on fire the whole course of nature. Even though we can control great animals because of the bridles we put on horses or great ships because of the rudders that we put on them, James, the third chapter, says no man can tame the tongue.

It’s an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. With that one tongue, we bless God, and we turn around and curse men, the men that God has created in His own image. Out of that same mouth, we’ll have blessings, we have cursings, and all kinds of difficulties. The point is, we want to be careful about what we say and be slow sometimes to speak, and fast, more so, to listen. We don’t want to use our tongues as weapons that damage people and then tear them down in the process. That’s number four.

Principle 5: Show The Fruit Of The Spirit

Talk to the person rather than about the person. Read in your own time chapters three and four of the book of James for more about the tongue. Number five is to show the fruit of the Spirit in how you deal with the people who you are talking to. This is really important. The fruit of the Spirit, that’s love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. That comes from Galatians 5:23-24.

It takes intentionality to speak to someone with that kindness and love and forbearance, patience. That’s why you’ve got to pray first so that God can fill your heart with that, so that God can give you the fruit of the Spirit in the moment as you are working out whatever the conflict is. Remember to bring that heart attitude to the conversation.

Principle 6: Apologize and Ask for Forgiveness

Number six, after you’ve heard what your neighbor is saying and you understand things from their perspective, their vantage point, it gives you an opportunity to understand if you were the one who offended them, how you offended them. Number six is to apologize and to ask for forgiveness. Matthew 5:23-24, talks about how if you’re approaching God and you come to His altar with a gift that you’re giving to God, and you remember that your neighbor has something against you, it says, leave your gift at the altar. Go back to your neighbor and be reconciled to your neighbor. Then come to the altar to give your gift to God.

Principle 7: Forgive The Other Person

That’s how much God cares about this. He wants us to have short accounts with Him and then short accounts with each other. Be sure to apologize. Be sure to ask for the other person’s forgiveness once you understand how you may have offended them and what your part is in the conflict. I would say number seven is that it’s also important to forgive them. If they have offended you, and that’s also the issue, you have had this conversation with one another to try to work it out, and you’ve been harboring some resentment or whatever in the meantime, it’s time to forgive them too. Forgive the other person.

Be sure to apologize. Be sure to ask for the other person's forgiveness once you understand how you may have offended them and what your part is in the conflict. Click To Tweet

Very important. Matthew 18 talks a little bit about this. It says, in Matthew 18:21-22, and we talked about in Matthew 18 about going to the person individually. In this part of Matthew 18, the disciples are wondering, “How often should we forgive these people?” Jesus was saying, you’re going to forgive them 70 times 7. In other words, so many times you can’t count it. He also told them in Luke, the 17th chapter, verses three and four, if a person comes to you on the same day, they’ve offended you. You rebuke them for the offense.

If they repent and want to be asked for forgiveness, you forgive them, even if they come seven times in the same day. Each time they repent, you forgive them. God’s forgiveness is unlimited. He’s forgiven us so much, far more than we’re ever going to have to forgive each other. We want to forgive each other with the same generosity that God has also forgiven us. That’s why Jesus says 70 times 7.

He didn’t mean for you to put it in a black book and count up all of those offenses. He meant make it limitless. We know that seven is the number of God, this number of completion. It’s almost like an infinity of sorts. Forgive them as many times as you need to. We know that God’s forgiveness of us is also unlimited. We want to keep that in mind.

The Importance Of Civility In Conflict Resolution

One of the reasons why it’s important to talk about this right now is because, in our world, there’s so much less civility than we used to have. In our current world, people are talking a lot about people in public settings, whether that’s in person or on social media. We know that many young people, especially, have jumped off bridges, killed themselves, because of things that were being said on social media. We want to be cognizant of this plan that God has given us for how to walk through conflict.

First, number one, I’ll review, pray to Him, seek God’s face first. Number two, look at yourself, look in the mirror, understand what your contribution is to the conflict. Very important. Number three, speak privately to the one who has offended you or the one who you have offended. Speak privately to try to work it out. Number four, talk to the person rather than about the person. Very little gets resolved when we talk about people.

In fact, greater chasms are created. People who really are our friends and who we can call friends, a lot of times distance is created, and those relationships are destroyed unnecessarily when we could have built a bridge back to each other. Number five, always showing the fruit of the Spirit, the love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Number six, remember to apologize for your part. Remember to ask for forgiveness for your part.

Number seven, forgive the other person so that when you leave this process, there’s a clean slate, a clean account all the way around. That’s the way you want it. I want to end with the scripture of Romans 12:18. It says, “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” Notice it says, as much as it depends on you.

As we know, there are some circumstances and situations where people are not going to follow this process with us. We may not have all of the choices that we want to have, and yet I encourage you, in your workplace, in your home, in your neighborhood, continue to hold out the olive branch to other people. Continue to reach across the chasm, reach across the aisle, mend a fence, and gain or regain a friend. Blessings to you as you are a peacemaker in your workplace and in your life.

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Spirit Wings Kids Foundation: Making A Difference In Uganda

It’s Dr. Karen here, and I want to tell you a little bit about Spirit Wings Kids Foundation, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization. It’s an organization that provides profound services for orphans and for widows and families across the globe in many ways, and especially in the country of Uganda. I’m speaking with Donna Johnson, who is the founder of Spirit Wings Kids and also a board member. Donna, tell us about some examples of the profound work that you’re doing in Uganda.

Thank you, Dr. Karen. We were just there a few weeks ago, and it’s incredible. It’s more than an orphanage. We have a soccer academy that keeps the boys off the street. We have a widows program that matches them with children, and it’s just a thriving network of, really, entrepreneurs. It’s just been such a meaningful blessing to see the work that we’re doing there.

Donna, what I love about what you said just now is you’re really talking about their whole lives. You’re creating families between the widows and the children, and you’re also making sure they have recreation and something to do with the soccer academy. You’re looking at the job situation and the entrepreneurial aspect, and as a businesswoman yourself who’s very successful, you’re right in line with being able to make that difference.

Thank you so much for the difference that you’re making, and I’m inviting everyone who’s watching and listening to go to SWKids.Foundation and donate now. One hundred percent of everything you donate goes to those people who are in need and who are receiving those services. Thank you so much for donating, and Donna, thank you for this ministry.

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Empower Your Leadership Through “Lead Yourself First!”

This is Dr. Karen, and I want to tell you about my book, Lead Yourself First!: The Senior Leader’s Guide to Engaging Your People for Greater Performance and Impact. This book is about playing the music that only you can play. Leadership is about more than following clever techniques. You are the instrument of your leadership. People are inspired by you and how you show up. In chapter three of the book, which is called Forge Your Own Pathway, I share many experiences of creating a pathway forward when a pathway didn’t exist beforehand.

Sometimes that path is created through service, such as a time that I was taking a train every week from Wiesbaden to Frankfurt, Germany, to volunteer at the Army Hospital, the 97th General, and I was volunteering once a week as a psychologist. Little did I know that this volunteer job would later become a full-time employment opportunity for me. Because of the volunteer service, I was in the right place at the right time when the doors opened up. The metaphor that I often use for creating opportunities is the ability to see possibilities where none are visible, and I call this creating blizzard food.

Just imagine, just like in Colorado, this could happen at any time, there might be a raging blizzard outside. You haven’t gone to the grocery store yet. There’s no obvious food in the refrigerator or the pantry. Yet, if you look hard enough, there is hidden food, and you can use it to create delicious meals for you and also your guests. I encourage you, get your own copy of Lead Yourself First!: The Senior Leader’s Guide to Engaging Your People for Greater Performance and Impact. Forge your own pathway forward. Create your own opportunities. Be the instrument of your leadership and create some delicious blizzard food.